syntheticaesthetic:

freshfriedtrash:

ALRIGHT LISTEN UP I HEAR YOU GUYS OVER ON THE WEST COAST DEALIN WITH SOME ROUGH SHIT SO YOUR LOCAL TORNADO ALLEY RESIDENT’S GONNA HOOK YOU UP WITH SOME ADVICE OKAY 

WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME:

• I HAVE SURVIVED UP TO 4-5 TORNADOES SO FAR
• SLEPT THROUGH HURRICANE IKE (I lived in Houston)
• TOOK SEVERAL METEOROLOGY CLASSES 
• I LIVE IN TORNADO ALLEY AND I HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT

THAT GOOD ENOUGH ALRIGHT HERE WE GO

IF A TORNADO IS SIGHTED:

• do not panic
• find out where it is
• listen to the weatherman. trust me. 
• if you can see the radar, look for a “hook echo.” this hook echo looks like a rain cloud that’s curled up and made a spiral like a fish hook, usually with winds going the other direction also curling inside the hook. this is where the tornado is likely to be, since the mixing of the two opposite-facing winds created the circulation for the birth of the tornado.
• tornadoes move northeast 90% of the time. if you’re south, west, or northwest, you should be okay. don’t risk it though.
• most tornadoes are lower on the EF scale – 0, 1, 2, and 3. the highest can cause roofs to be torn off and trees to go flying, but these aren’t as common. 1-2 can cause roof damage and break windows, but for the most part it’s debris you wanna look out for. anything like an EF 4 or 5, you’re looking at casualties, crumbled buildings and decimation everywhere. 
• if the meteorologist says the tornado is “rain-wrapped” that means you can’t see the tornado because it has a curtain of rain around it. you won’t see it coming. you won’t hear it. just know it’s in there.
• if there’s one tornado, there can sometimes be “satellite” tornadoes around the “parent” (bigger) tornado. these are smaller and sometimes invisible, but they can knock over vehicles and cause just as much damage. be careful.
• take tornado precautions! this means:
• grab a flashlight
• grab toilet paper
• go into the innermost room of the house (bathrooms and closets are good but if there’s a room deeper in the center of the house, that can also work)
• grab something to put over your head. helmet, briefcase, mattress, pillow, any and all of those have saved people’s lives before. 
• tuck in with everyone in the household. if you have pets, you can try to tuck them between two of you, and face front-to-back (so you’re facing their back with your legs on either side of their hips) and keep your pet in between you. if you have a larger pet, keep them close by. 
• DO NOT OPEN THE WINDOWS. i know there’s a myth that if you open your windows the air pressure in your house will change as the tornado hits and you’ll get less damage but that is FALSE AS ALL FUCK. DO NOT OPEN YOUR WINDOWS. 
• turn off the gas and electricity. this is to save yourself from harm AFTER the tornado hits, when power lines, gas pipes and other harmful household power sources may be compromised.
• SHOOOEEESSS. do NOT go without shoes. 
• grab a radio. the NOAA has a special radio station that gives live feed of the tornado. if you have a phone keep it handy and download your local news’ weather app, or the NOAA weather app.

IF YOU ARE IN AN APARTMENT WHEN THE TORNADO HITS:

• go to the bottom floor. if there’s a basement, go there. 

• if there isn’t, believe it or not another safe place can be any indoor stairway you can find access to. it may not seem safe, but these places are more sturdy. 

• stay away from windows, patios and outside-facing doors!

IF YOU ARE IN A CAR WHEN THE TORNADO HITS:

• turn off your car!
• park beside the road. if you have no chance of escape, park your car on the side of the road. if there’s a ditch, go down there. 
• get down onto the floorboard. tuck into the backseat, under the passenger seat, or under the drivers’ seat. 
• put something over your head. 
• DO NOT PARK UNDER AN OVERPASS! THIS IS MORE DANGEROUS! people assume that if they park under an overpass the wind won’t hit as hard, but that’s not true. the opposite is true – the wind, with a smaller space to go through, moves FASTER. do not park under any bridges or overpasses, that’s asking for trouble!
• if you know where the tornado is, and you are capable of it, GO SOUTH. if the tornado is south of you, GO WEST. if the tornado is in front of you (going away from you), GO SOUTH. if the tornado is going towards you, GO! GO GO GO, AND IF YOU CAN, GO SOUTH! 
• DO NOT TRY TO OUTRUN THE TORNADO! YOU CAN’T. three of the best tornado specialists in the industry DIED because they couldn’t outrun the tornado they were chasing. unless you have literally no other roads to turn on and are stuck on one road with the tornado coming your way, DO NOT TRY TO OUTRUN THE TORNADO!
• if there are local supermarkets, shops, theaters, gas stations, whatever, GO INSIDE. trust me, you’re much safer in a building – even a gas station – than in your car.
• don’t bother parking in a car wash or under a parking garage/gas station. it won’t help. at all. 

IF YOU ARE IN A MOBILE HOME/TRAILER/SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES:

• GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. GET OUT. 

• NO I’M DEAD SERIOUS TORNADOES LOVE TRAILER PARKS. THERE ARE ACTUAL STATS THAT SHOW TORNADOES LOVE BLOWING OVER TRAILER PARKS. WHY WHO KNOWS BUT THEY DO.

• YOU ARE NOT SAFE. GET. OUT. 

IF THE TORNADO PASSES:

• DO NOT MOVE! stay where you are until the meteorologist says it’s safe.
• EVEN IF THE TORNADO HAS LEFT YOUR AREA, STAY PUT! wait until the tornado is completely gone, and the storm has passed. listen for when your local news station says it’s safe to come out.
• DO NOT DRIVE AROUND! downed power lines, gas leaks and busted water/sewage pipes will be everywhere. debris will be all over the roads. stay in your house. 
• if you lose power, wait. don’t try to light candles right away. make sure it’s safe and there’s no gas leaks.
• do not turn on the power! there might be blown power lines and if you try to turn the power on, it won’t work.
• check your neighbors. make sure they’re okay. 
• call your loved ones. let them know you’re safe.

TORNADO LINGO YOU SHOULD KNOW:

rain-wrapped: the tornado is hidden in sheets of rain. it can’t be seen except by radar, so don’t count on being able to see or hear it.

blue lightning: this is actually transformers and power stations blowing up. they emit a blue lightning that shows up on the ground. 

hook echo/hook: this is where the two air currents in the storm wrap around each other, forming a hook on the radar. this is where most tornadoes form.

funnel: a lowering of the bottom of the cloud shaped like a circle, or funnel. sometimes you’ll see a circular wind rotation on the ground below it.

wall cloud: this is the bottom part of the stormcloud, where funnels are formed.

wedge: the tornado is shaped like a pie wedge.

rope: this can be two things. a rope tornado means it’s curvy and thin. if a tornado “ropes out” that means it’s unraveled and then dissipated.

tornado precautions: the fancy way of saying “emergency plan for when tornadoes hit”

spotter: a spotter or chaser is someone who works with weather stations to capture the tornado from the ground. they’re professionals – meteorologists, sometimes photographers and researchers – who actively drive and try to report where the tornado is. DO NOT DO THIS! THESE PEOPLE HAVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE!

debris trail: this is the damage trail left behind by where the tornado has been. 

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS SHOOT THEM @ ME AIGHT

LOCAL TORNADO ALLEY RESIDENT OUT

Shit dude I could have used this this morning

Aww hell who am I kidding I’ll probably need it tonight/tomorrow. 

Eventually I gotta get a bunch of stuff like this together and print ‘em all out and put them in a binder for when I inevitably panic. 

Anyone got any tips for fitting my two parents, seven big dogs, a cat, and a turtle into a bathtub? Asking for me  lol,